Friday, December 03, 2010

Mommyhood and the feeling of failure

Being a mother is amazing and precious. But being a mother is also very humbling in so many ways. I have this overwhelming love for this little one, yet constantly I am presented with issues I cannot solve. I cannot fix the teething pain or shots. I certainly cannot function like I have always functioned. I have always known success in my life. I do not say that in a boastful way. I have had the benefit of being able to work hard and achieve the things I truly put my heart and mind towards. It has been a blessing that I took for granted. Now, there are days that no matter how hard I try, I CANNOT win. I cannot keep things straight in my head and I experience such a palpable feeling of failure. Some days are better than others, but I never feel fully successful. I don’t remember the last time I felt like I am functioning at top level and really doing a good job for all of those that count on me, whether it is at work, family, friends.

Is it because of lack of sleep and mommy brain and all the things that I tend to blame? Possibly. Maybe partly. Or is it just another layer of pruning from God? Is it bringing me to my knees and having me realize once again that I am dependent on Him? He is the only one that can accomplish anything fully and successfully through me.

How often I forget that it is in my weakness that God is strong. It makes me wonder if I can live in weakness all the time. I feel like I already am, but not in a "resting in God" kind of way. I find myself constantly fighting to maintain control and power only to see that when I release all of that, that is when life moves in peace. How can I apply this daily? Pray. Pray before work, pray during work, pray over my child, pray with my child. Pray for my husband, pray with my husband. Pray about my attitude, tone of voice. Prayer and the Word of God. The Bible talks about writing the Word of God on our hearts on purpose (Deut 11:18, Prov 7:3). I once heard a pastor share that there was a belief in Jesus’ time that you should write God’s Word on your heart because when your heart broke it would be those words that would fall inside. I think that is beautiful. I need to hold on to that truth. The next time my heart feels like it is cracking from stress, or worry or the myriad of things that come at me in a day I will remember that it is okay because as the small cracks form and open that it is allowing God’s Word to fall inside. Then I will remind myself of the Truth. I will read scripture and find that “the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and are safe” (Prov 18:10). Sorry I have been gone for so long. I find that right now in the desert God has me in that few things are for me to share. Most are between Him and me. Blessings.