It happens every year around this time. Every. Single. Year.
A heartache begins to develop. A sadness.
It’s my birthday. Now, before you begin to think that this depression is because I am another year older - I tell you that couldn’t be farther from the truth! It seems like each passing year that I experience is more amazing than the next. I look forward to what a new year has and all that God will do to work His plans in my life. I am NOT one of those people that begrudges getting older. There are many in this world that are not afforded that luxury.
This is deeper. It comes from a place that I can rarely reach.
You see, I am adopted. I was born on March 23rd and was adopted on March 29th. During the time between my birth and adoption I was hospitalized for pneumonia (apparently I didn’t know how to keep my mouth shut in the womb either :)). My birthmother, a brave 16 year old girl, and her family chose to come and visit me every day; trying to hold me and love me for the lifetime they would not get to. I can only imagine how highly emotional that time was for them.
Think about the tears, the joy, the heartbreak, the beauty, all wrapped up into six days. I obviously don’t remember those days. However, I believe that something about the deep, heart wrenching emotional experience that my family went through lodged deep within my soul.
Every year since I can remember I experience an unexplained ache through those days. Then, on the seventh day, it seems to lift and life goes on.
I believe that is because the seventh day is the day I met my forever family. My parents had tried to have children for many years and were unable to do so. They prayed and felt God lead them towards adoption. He knew that He was creating their family by handpicking me to join them. I am their only child. Had my birthmother not made the brave choice of life for me - they may never have known what it was to be parents.
The immediate and overflowing joy my parents had when they picked up their baby girl for the first time was, most likely, a balm to my tiny broken heart. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I knew in those moments how very loved and wanted I was.
When these tumultuous emotions begin to plague me each year I always go back to a few verses that God has used to heal my hurting places.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
I don’t know if you have ever experienced anything like this but I want you to know that YOU are here on purpose. YOU are not an accident. God has a plan for YOUR life. If you are struggling with what to do with an unwanted pregnancy or issue in life - go to the scripture. Search out what God says. Although it may not seem like the easiest solution for you in the moment - it will be by far the best for you, your child and your family.
Lastly, know that there is nothing beyond God’s redemptive love. Nothing. Ever. He can take you and help you find a wholeness you never knew was possible. I am not talking about a puppy dog and rainbow kind of faith that exists because it has never been challenged. I am talking about a deep, rooted in the depth of Christ, kind of faith that will carry you through even your darkest of days. The kind of faith that you will cling to when it seems like there is nothing left and the kind of faith that will guide you back out of the valley so the sun can shine on your face again.
Turn to Him. I know it is the only way I survived 34 years ago and it is the only way I survive now.