Thursday, May 10, 2012

Somewhere someone loses.


DISCLAIMER: Before you read this I need to make a point that I L O V E my life.  It is a life I have chosen and although I am trying to put some changes in place it is really a wonderful, blessed life.  Now with that said…

Somewhere someone always loses.  I am trying to find balance in my life.  Right now I feel like an upside down flamingo still trying to keep that one leg straight.  I have had conversations with myself and others about my feeling that I am not “there” enough for my daughter (2 year old DARLING girl!).  Most people give me the same response “but you work from home so you are around her so much more than… and I am sure that you get more time with her than you realize and and and” in an effort to make me feel better.  It does, for a minute, until the next time something else becomes more important than what she needs from me.   I am not the kind of mom that thinks that I should sit at her feet while she plays waiting to see what she needs.  I want her to have alone play time, I want her to be as self sufficient as a healthy 2 year old should be, but that’s not what I am talking about.  I am talking about when Hannah desperately wants me to read her a book, and she asks me to, and I get frustrated at her and whisper to her in an ugly voice for her to sit down or to be quiet because I am on the phone.  And then she walks away dejected.  When that happens she loses.  Ok, so I am not mean ALL of the time but what about the days that I am so busy working and fixing problems and pleasing other people that I go the entire day without really looking at her or listening to her.  This blog http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/06/07/missing-more-than-life/  (READ IT) put this issue in crystal clear perspective for me.  It scares me to death that I may not know my daughter like I could or that she thinks that she falls below a cell phone or computer in her level of importance in my life. 

Then there are the other days.  The days that I do give her ample attention and clean up the house during her naps or get a great dinner prepared but, I also work (a great job!) from home and my type of job requires that certain paper work is done on specific days, so when I focus on Hannah and getting the house clean/laundry washed/etc , I end up staying up until 11pm or midnight working, and am exhausted and grouchy the next day, so I lose (and Hannah still loses, because she is with her grouchy mom all day). 

Or the days when I give half my time to Hannah and work hard to get my paper work done so that I can get in bed at a decent hour but my house looks like a dirty bomb went off and we eat frozen pizza for dinner.  So my hubby (good meals are his love language), basic nutrition, and cleanliness loses.  Someone always loses.  (Side note: You might be wondering if my hubby just watches me run around and work hard from an easy chair or sofa, that isn’t the case either.  He works hard, too hard, during the day and usually works from 7am-7 or 8 or 9pm so enlisting him to do part of this doesn’t help because he is not available to do it and if he is home early by some miracle he is usually too exhausted to help.)  By the way, have you heard me mention God in any of this?  No, because the sad truth is that even though I love the Lord with all of my heart, He gets so little of my mind during the day.  I struggle to even get a moment in of Bible study or time meditating on His Word. 

So, how do I fix this? 

I don’t know.  I am not writing this because I have the answer.  I am writing it in case you are in the same place I am.  I am writing this in case you don’t want to miss your child growing up and you are willing to do whatever it takes to be there but then you end up exhausted because there are other requirements on you.  I am writing this for the other moms that stay so busy they lose themselves but are okay with that because sometimes that is the only way to not lose everybody else.  I don't want to live that way, do you? 

I will pray for you, will you pray for me? 

I do know this, that God promises that if we willseek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” (Matt 6:33)  

I have begun to wonder if I feel so off balance because my priorities backwards?   If seeking God is the primary thing, the thing that ALL OTHER THINGS hinge on and I am not even beginning to… is that why life feels like it is off center?  While typing my blog-erapy (the words blog + therapy, did I even have to explain that?) I have decided to take 1 month and do things differently.  For the next month, no matter what, I am going to start my day with prayer and a Bible reading.  From there I am going to schedule into my day real quality time with Hannah.  That may sound ridiculous but if I have it in black and white and a reminder even pops up on my phone (a sure sign I have an electronics addition problem), I will do it.  I am also going to schedule my housework so that they have a time and place they are supposed to happen.  I am going to find ways to involve Hannah in it so that we are still getting time together and she is learning how to care for a home.  I will also schedule work time.  I am going to pray for God’s best for us and His leading in how I make my schedule.  At the end of 1 month I will blog about what happened.  Is this the answer?  I am honestly not sure, but I am not willing to continue to make the same mistakes so I am going to look to my Creator and Sustainer and ask for His guidance in creating my days.     

Will you join me?  I would love to hear from you and your experiences.  Let’s make a change!

1 comment:

melissa carswell said...

Oh, this is so what I wrote. You're right! I do believe we are kindred spirits. :) Yes, I will pray for you as I pray for myself.

In June I'm going to do a screen free week I think. It'll be hard with responsibilities for freelance writing and keeping up the blog, but I want to try it and see what happens to us as a family. . .